Being a parent or carer of someone accessing therapy can be complicated and challenging, with a whole set of accompanying emotions and experiences. It’s a whole new layer to add to the experience of the child or young person themselves; a theme I’ve been meaning to write about for a while now and one that’s central to a lot of my work at Thame Music Therapy. Here I try to unpick some of the challenges that parents face (I’ll use ‘parents’ as a short form for ‘parents and/or carers’ from now on) and what recommendations I make to help maximise children’s engagement in Music Therapy. I’ll also touch on some of the benefits and joys of the parental role when things are developing in a positive way.
I currently work with a broad range of ages, including teenagers and adults, but the most common age range for referrals at Thame Music Therapy is 4-12 year olds. As a result, I have a lot of close contact with parents when setting up work and they will often be in the therapy room with their child, at least in the early stages of therapy. Some parents will go on to stay in the room each week for the duration of therapy; some will support the transitions in and out of the therapy room (perhaps just staying for the first few minutes); others will stay separate from the therapy space entirely. It’s a moveable feast and very much depends on the needs of who I’m working with and how a parent’s presence or distance (with lots of grey areas in between) can support our therapeutic aims.
Based on what I’ve witnessed as a therapist over the last nine years, the conversations and meetings I’ve had with parents during that time, as well as some research published in the British Journal of Music Therapy*, here’s a snapshot of what I think parents can go through when their child is accessing Music Therapy.
Parents carry a whole mix of emotions when they come to a first session. They might be:
- Anxious about what this new place is going to be like
- Worried whether their child will engage
- Embarrassed, self-conscious or disappointed if their child is very distant during our first meeting
- Concerned about being judged in some way
- Confused, perhaps mistrustful about my way of working
- Hopeful that this could be the start of something valuable
- Curious about what could happen next
- Excited when their child shows interest and enthusiasm
I could go on and for some, that list might just be the tip of the iceberg. One parent recently captured her initial experience as follows:
“It was a tricky start and I was unsure if my son could continue for long after not being able to regulate himself or use any eye contact in the first couple of sessions.”
As our work continues, if the parent stays in the room to support and witness sessions, they may go on to experience some of these mixed emotions:
- Vulnerability about their role in the room and what to say or do
- Pride and joy at what they are witnessing
- Frustration when sessions aren’t developing as they had initially hoped
- Reassurance to be reminded of the great potential of their child
- Guilt that they didn’t seek support sooner
- Gratitude for time when they get to see their child in a different light
- Solace and safety when in a consistent and trusting space
- Anger if they feel I’m not working in a way that they would like
- Discouragement if changes in Music Therapy aren’t being translated to other contexts
A parent who stayed with her son during an assessment period sums up her thoughts here:
“Aside from the difficult, uncomfortable emotions, I honestly remember moments of pure joy. I got glimpses of his personality that weren’t visible on any other occasions at the time, giving me hope. The process gave me the opportunity to witness him communicating and expressing things at a time when all other communication channels had become closed.”
If the parent is not actually in the room for sessions, but supporting their child to access sessions and waiting outside, they may have a whole set of different feelings to contend with:
- Fear about what might happen in a session or what their child may say
- Mistrust as to whether the sessions are really helping
- Resentment and disempowerment that they don’t know what is going on
- Jealousy if the child and therapist’s working relationship is developing while things are really tough at home
- Comfort that their child has found somewhere safe and consistent to interact and connect
- Gratitude that they can have some (albeit brief) time to themselves
- Relief that they are getting some much needed support
“Whilst as a parent you want to be able to fix a situation or help your child with their struggles, I realised that having access to help outside of the home was so beneficial to us all, especially during very difficult times when our patience and energy was low.”
All of these emotions are ones that I or other Music Therapists have come across, but I would never ever want to assume or predict a parental response when their child is in therapy. I imagine that lots of the above thoughts will resonate with some parents, but others may have different experiences entirely. And if you are reading this and feel that I’ve missed something very important, please get in touch if you feel comfortable enough to do so.
If I had to boil down one of the biggest questions for parents who are in the room alongside their child, it would be “what am I meant to do in here?!” And I completely get that. It’s a unique setting which initially might feel very uncomfortable. It can often be unclear to parents how much or how little to say and do. They might have a theoretical idea of what’s most helpful, but then do something completely different in the room when natural parental instincts kick in or when they feel their child is particularly anxious. One parent characterises this perfectly here:
“Sometimes he kept trying to interact with us, and we knew it wasn’t why he was there, so personally that was a bit difficult, as we also didn’t want him to think we were ignoring him for no reason as far as he could tell.”
At certain times, I might have spotted a parent’s discomfort and been able to support them to better understand their role. At other times I may not have grasped it, or simply may not have clearly explained my expectations. Partly for this reason, I have put together a new set of parent guidelines and here’s what I can say on this theme:
It’s really important for your child to develop their own independent relationship with me and with the Music Therapy environment. They need to be given as much space as possible to do this so that it can happen on their own terms. It may be difficult for them to get started with making music, playing games, or talking, but this is ok and an important part of the process. Moments of quiet, hesitation or anxiety are all very common. The more an individual can get used to finding their own way in sessions, thinking and communicating for themselves, the better. Understandably, parents often want to help their child to engage and participate in sessions. This is only natural, but getting too involved can often be counter-productive in the long term; it can take away the child’s own sense of agency and independence. With that in mind:
– Let your child start and end the session in their own way. Try to avoid small talk with me as you enter and leave the room, even though this may seem unusual or impolite. And don’t worry if your child doesn’t say hello to me at the start or goodbye at the end. They don’t have to and I won’t be offended.
– Hold back from initiating any activities yourself or bringing up specific topics of conversation. Allow your child to lead as much as possible with their natural instincts.
– Be available if your child needs you (e.g. they may want a hug or for you to get involved in a game), but try to keep your active involvement to a minimum unless specifically suggested by me.
– Avoid asking me about how the session is going or has gone when your child is present. We can set up a meeting away from the sessions so as to avoid putting your child in an uncomfortable position.
When parents are out of the room, there’s still a really important role to play and lots to think about. As I referred to above, not being in the room can bring up all sorts of questions, concerns and fears. For a lot of parents, I think their primary preoccupations are:
- How is my child really getting on in therapy?
- How can I help them to use their therapy as effectively as possible?
- How can I help the therapist to best understand what my child is going through right now?
For parents in this situation, I would say this:
Whilst I appreciate just how hard it may be to not know exactly what is happening in therapy, particularly if your child does not want to talk about their sessions, it is really important to keep giving your child time and space to engage in therapy in their own way.
I keep sessions confidential in order to promote your child’s experience of a safe, independent, private therapeutic space. However, I will let you know if I have any immediate concerns or if I feel that Music Therapy sessions are no longer suitable for your child’s needs. I will also keep in contact with brief check-in calls and periodic review meetings.
Within the context of a review meeting or a written report, I can share overall comments about your child’s engagement in Music Therapy and its potential impact. If your child is in a position to understand this, I’ll let them know when a meeting or report is coming up. This is to reinforce that their therapy space is being respected and to give them an opportunity to voice anything they would like to be discussed.
While sessions are ongoing:
- Try to avoid asking your child how a session was immediately after it finishes. It’s the most natural thing to do but isn’t always helpful. Let them bring it up with you in their own time and on their own terms.
- Even if your child does not want to share what they’ve done in their therapy sessions, you may notice them becoming increasingly open or forthcoming about certain emotions or experiences. If that is the case, try to welcome and embrace these opportunities for discussion and connection.
- If you do feel the need to share something separately with me about your child (e.g. that they have had a particularly difficult day or something significant has happened recently), where possible explain to your child that you are doing this and for what reason.
- This way, they know what is going on in relation to their therapy, their trust with both you and me can still be maintained and they don’t feel that there is any kind of sabotage or betrayal happening behind their back.
- Contact me separately if you would like to organise a brief telephone conversation or a formal review meeting.
As I read this back, and as a parent myself, I’m realising what a leap of faith it is that I am asking of parents when their children are in Music Therapy. I don’t underestimate this by any means. Music Therapy can be incredibly powerful and beneficial but, like many forms of therapy, developments are rarely linear. There can be periods of great change that seemingly happen very quickly, but also periods of stagnation, even regression. Parts of sessions can be incredibly focused and directly related to therapeutic goals; other moments can seem more vague and only later understood for their broader significance.
I suppose what I am saying is that there is a certain leap of faith that everyone takes in Music Therapy; the client, therapist and parent alike. I have a very rigorous training and lots of varied experience, but ultimately I am trying to support a human being who is completely unique. I don’t always know what is going to work best for them or how we can best work together. The parent and client are coming to something new, full of their own hopes, expectations and fears. At some point, if they want to maximise their experience, they have to trust the process of our evolving creativity and working relationship. But with all of the different emotions and concerns I’ve referred to, this really isn’t easy!
One of the reasons for writing this blog is so that prospective clients, or parents of clients, can find out a bit more about my background, how I work and what my professional identity is. There’s still a lot of mystery and misconception about mainstream talking therapy; you could probably double or triple that in terms of misconceptions around Music Therapy! At the very least, I hope this blog has helped in some way to explain how I work with parents and what it might be like to be a parent of someone in Music Therapy.
If you’re thinking about Music Therapy for your child and have any questions, thoughts or concerns about what you’ve just read, please don’t hesitate to get in touch.
For more info, check out: Parents’ perspectives on their children’ s Music Therapy: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31985786/#article-details
